If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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