Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
