Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
