It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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