So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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