i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
In other news, I just burned my penis
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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