So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
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