If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
