My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
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