after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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