I think my fart just growled at me.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
