escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
