from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I deserve this hangover.
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