I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
