So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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