just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I checked into jail on foursquare
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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