Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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