I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
