how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
