I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
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There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
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So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
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