I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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