I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
