I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?