I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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