just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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