Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
