Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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