if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
