Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
