"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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