At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
