I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
we're making bets on your personal life
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
