Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
