I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
