i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
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