just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize
