So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
