So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
