it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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