I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
