You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
