Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
