Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
