I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
