Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
