I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
