He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
