You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
