If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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