Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
