I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
