Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
