Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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