After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
