Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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