i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
