and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I think my moral compass just broke
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