glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
