Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
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