After last night, I could never be a politician.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
