the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
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Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
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It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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