I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
