So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
