She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
