Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Sorry about my life...
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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