I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
